Closed Doors and Open Windows.......Ships and Limos

Sometimes, when you're standing on the seashore waiting for your ship to come in, the
limo God sent you is in the parking lot with the engine running. Such a statement of
truth. How many times do we search for perfection, or something that resembles it?
We all have an idea of what we think "our" perfect is, but what if we are wrong?
Many times I think we get so caught up in the search, that we don't realize what God has placed right in front of our eyes.....or maybe we are just scared to accept it, afraid that it will be swiped from our grasp right about the time we get comfortable. It brings to mind the closed doors and open windows approach on life. I have experienced this fear firsthand....God has put it right there, but I have turned my head, unwilling to accept that He has provided once again for fear that I have misunderstood the plan, or that it will just end up the same as I have already experienced. I have allowed my past to creep into my future, and with that, has come doubt. And with doubt, comes heartache....none of which any of us want....but what if we are wrong....what if God is basically handing it out to us...free for the taking and we are too busy looking for something that isn't really for us? Oh how I have fallen into this routine...


Today, that needs to change....today I think I want to take the "limo" for a
spin....seriously (I mean it really, I actually get a little seasick on a boat
anyway)

:-)

Walls of Doubt.....and Pink Jackhammers

I never realized how difficult it was going to be......you know, to let my guard down....to take down the wall I have built around my heart. It is still there. Standing firm, bricks and mortar in place, and as high as ever. I have trust issues....more so than I ever imagined. Of course, this is understandable, seeing as how every ounce of trust I had in the past, was torn from my grasp without the slightest bit of care.... I would have thought that by now, I would be able to at least peer over this wall I built, but instead I dangle from the top, with my fingertips barely reaching over. On guard for the very moment I might need to let go and hide again. I wonder at what point this fear and doubt goes away? When do I learn that not everyone is out to deceive??

One day I might......and then again, maybe I'm just not supposed to....one day God may just open my eyes and I will see the truth, or He may just expect me to have faith....

Do you ever wish the writing could just be on the wall???? Maybe in purple ink??? Or maybe a bright pink flashing sign would do.....and a pink jack hammer to help the wall down...lol...yes, that would do it.


Dear God, could you just send a pink jackhammer when its time for the wall to come down???? Then I would know it was safe to trust again....

Facebook Official????? Really???

So, I left you hanging with a "To be continued"...... And it has...continued, I mean.

Today, as I was riding around with my kids, I was enjoying the silly banter that my oldest daughter was taking part in (with my boyfriend) via text. Yes, I said boyfriend...(smile on my face). It was nice to see that she was comfortably chatting away with him (even if it was a great debate over the color orange and the teams it represents) I seized the opportunity to talk to her a bit about the relationship I have with Brian. It amazes me how different things are now as opposed to years ago when speaking of a dating relationship. I spoke about the fact that we aren't dating anyone else, that we are "exclusive", "an item", "going steady". She just looked at me, and I wondered if I had said too much, or merely made her uncomfortable with the discussion of her mom dating again. Her stare became a smile as she thought it funny the terms I used to describe mine and Brian's relationship. I laughed, and asked her what it is called "these days". (Ouch, that makes me feel old!) Her response was that we are ...............................Facebook Official.......................what?????

LOL..How funny that in this day and time, Facebook Official is the term for boyfriend/girlfriend status! So here it is folks...I am not "going steady" or "exclusively dating" someone.....Brian and I are "Facebook Official". I wonder what else they have changed???????????

As Jana's World Turns...The Amazing Journey

What an amazing life God has planned out for me. Over the last couple years, you have read many posts about my life, and what I have been through. As I look back at some of the memories made, I am astonished at the things that haven't gone as I thought they would. I am even more amazed at how God has taken different circumstances and used them to grow my faith. I have been blessed daily by the way God provides for my needs. Whether it be by an anonymous gift, or the donation of a friend, I have been able to make it and for that I am thankful. I have learned how to cope with many things over the journey as well. There has been heartache, disaster, and hurt feelings....but there has also been love, growth, and newer, happier memories as well.

As a young child, I thought everything would be perfect. I would grow up, get married, and have a family...all while living happily ever after. My "happily ever after" was quickly stripped away with the choices made by another. And at that point, a small part of "me" was stripped away as well. For a short period, I was overcome by a bitterness that would not release me. Little did I know, that it was ME actually clinging to IT. My hopes of the "happily ever after" were replaced with the "if onlies". Not a good place to be in. Many land there, forgetting that the "happily ever after" could and should truly exist. The fairy tale IS there and CAN be lived out when God is left in control.

I entered into the "single" status with a small hope. A hope that one day I would catch a glimpse of my "fairy tale" again. Oh, how God works in mysterious ways....and I want to believe that HE truly has a plan. It has taken me the whole of these last two years, and I not only believe it possible, but also trust that there IS a plan, and God has written it just for me. Slowly, I am letting the wall I built around myself down, and trusting again. And through this trust I am finding that the "fairy tale" can be a reality. I look forward to what the future holds, and am completely amazed by where the journey has taken me so far. This is the amazing journey......

To be continued...

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't post that....lol

As I have gone through the steps of divorce over this past year, I am amazed at the

number of people who are facing the same. And though they are all in different

stages of their destiny, the fact still remains that it is a hard journey, forcing

many to advertise their feelings openly on social networks such as facebook. And

though it makes one feel better to "one up" the "EX", there is a feeling deep inside

me that tells me to refrain from such status posts. However, I have found a few

quite humorous. And have in fact,saved a list of "good" ones to share. Let me

first deny, nullify, and curb anyones accusations up front. These are not my posts,

thoughts, or insinuations pointing to my divorce at all, but merely a collection of

status posts that I have seen used this last year. I have wondered a million tmes

how some can read over the following, and not have that internal feeling of "yeah,

maybe I shouldn't post that"




In no particular order:


*If you think the grass is greener on the other side, perhaps you should spend more time taking care of the grass on your side.


*wonders what the judge would think when her husband has her arrested for telling off his mistress? It might be worth finding out! LMBO


*you can't scare me... I have an ex-husband


*... is longing for the day her ex shows up on a milk carton!!!


*OH your dating my ex? cool. I'm eating chicken wings, do you want those left overs too?


*Single & LOOKING.. for something better than I had last time..


*There's nothing like running into your ex on a good day, then throwing the car in reverse and doing it again! :) lol


*don't be mad at the fact that i won; be mad at the fact that you thought you could beat me.


*I don't get jealous when i see my ex with another girl because my mom always taught me to share my toys when I'm done using them :)


*knows they told us to say 'til death do us part', well we've parted, why are you still breathing?


*my ex husband is the reason I'm on happy pills.


*In my opinion, you went from loving husband and father, to ex-husband and father of my child, to baby daddy, to sperm donor.


*knows that he'll just get bored with her, then move on to someone else. That's just what he does. Trust me.


*Was wondering when Karma was going to get You~ Then I saw your new girlfriend and realized it already had~ Thanks karma~ I owe u one~


*How many people have looked at their ex's now and thought "what was i thinking" :

From Checklists to Blood Donation....IT'S SURVIVAL MY FRIENDS!!!!!!

Where is the list for single women???? I mean, where do you find the checklist that tells you the next step after you sign those papers???? You know, like for such things as changing your insurance, getting the bills changed into your own name, or just a list for the items you need, or things that need to be checked on periodically at the house. As I stood in line waiting to get one of my prescriptions filled, reality hit when I came to the realization that I no longer am covered by my original insurance....meaning I couldn't get my meds, meaning I was suddenly overcome with anxiety over the things I need to get done, or changed...

Today, i spent most of the morning making phone calls to take care of such needs, and I must say that it is very overwhelming. I began my ordeal, searching online for some kind of checklist to help me remember everything.

THERE WAS NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then the anxiety began...then the tears..........and then a moment of sheer fear that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Then, with the help of a couple friends, I was able to breathe again. I actually smiled when one gave me a helpful dialogue to use when speaking to the ones who keep us entertained, warm and well-lit, bathed and hydrated, and covered in case of accidents to the home or car. AKA: Comcast Cable, Volunteer Electric, Savannah Valley Utilities, and State Farm.

From now on, I think that I will begin each phone call, dealing with bills as follows:

"Hello, now that my life has been ripped apart, can you tell me how to have even more of my life sucked away? And while you are at it, I might could give you some of my blood as well since you will be asking for even more of my money? You do take blood donation as payment, right? Because after I pay for the deposit you want to charge me, to change this into my name, there will be a better chance of getting blood from a turnip than finding any more money in my purse....YOU have drained THIS well dry"

I'm not sure if they will catch my drift, but even if they don't, I only have so much to give and the kids already got that....


Now, can we get these needles hooked up? I might have a drop or two left.....

Carry me Lord Jesus...my inner GPS won't work without you

It is official....I am officially a single woman now. Officially divorced on January 7, 2011. It is a bittersweet feeling, yet I am excited about what the future holds for me. I am happy. Not about the fact that I am divorced, but happy that things are settled. I know that there is still the possibility for issues to arise, but I now feel a little more in control of my life. A feeling I have not felt in a year. No, in 20 years....wow. It is hard to believe that for the last 20 years, I have been attached to someone. This is the first time in my life that I have been on my own....and yet I'm really not on my own. First of all I have these 4wonderful children to care for. And that is something I will never be regretful of. They are my joy!

But mostly I am not alone, for I have an awesome heavenly father. God has brought me sooooo far! He has always been there with me, but in the last year I have felt Him even more, on a daily basis. It reminds me of the footprints in the sand poem.



Footprints

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

...Mary Stevenson



I know He has always been there, and looking back I realize that in those hardest times, He was there carrying me. Otherwise I never would have made it on my own.

So now, in this newest found freedom, what next????? Whatever is next, I pray for God to lead me....or as stated before..to carry me. For I cannot do this on my own. I would be a hot mess if I even attempted it. So carry me Lord Jesus for my feet are tired and weary and I don't even know the way there. Be my GPS for life, showing me where to make those necessary U-turns.

So stay tuned folks...who knows where my new life will take me....wherever I go, you can be assured that it will be just as busy and crazy as it always has been. And I am trusting that God is gonna get me there...so carry me Lord Jesus...my inner GPS won't work without you....

Don't D.R.A.G. me down........

Wow, It is 2011... It all goes by so fast these days. Is it because I am getting older and have much more on my mind? After sitting in this mornings church service, I believe it is due to the mind-boggling issues that seem to clutter our minds. Our pastor encouraged us to "give up" the things that we dealt with in 2010 (things that brought us down and kept us from growing spiritually), and start fresh in 2011. We were told to write down the things that really shouldn't be "ours" to deal with, but "His" (meaning God's). God alone is the only one we should be counting on. So many times we look elsewhere for love, strength, help with financial issues, or just the need to feel important. We are all important to God, and He will provide for all of these needs.

As I sat there, I asked God to help me realize the things I was trying to control instead of giving it to Him. By the end of the service, I had 4 words on my card that D.R.A.G. me down and hinder me from fully experiencing the feeling of grace, from Gods love.

DEPRESSION

The last few years have left me with experiences that leave me feeling depressed. These different experiences are beyond my control and leave me feeling very unhappy. The unhappiness has led me to a much deeper place of depression. Depression is a very debilitating feeling. It leaves you in a mindset that nothing you do is good enough, so might as well do nothing. Not a good feeling to have. Especially for someone who spent the majority of her life smiling and trying to cheer others up when they were sad.

REGRETS

Having regrets is probably something most people deal with. No one can see the future, and there are times when we are put into a situation that gives us choices. Sometimes the right choice isn't always evident, and sometimes it is. However, we still make the wrong choices part of the time. This leaves us with the questions that haunt us...mainly, the "what ifs". I want to enter 2011, knowing that there is nothing I can do about the choices in the past, but I can go forward...I can't reverse what has already been done in the past, but I can seek the right answers faithfully for the future.

ANXIETY

Worry is a sign of not having faith. And though I have always known this, I still tend to worry sometimes. It is a human nature. Anxiety has left me in panic at times. This also is a very debilitating feeling. Almost an attack, leaving me breathless. It stems from my worries and fears...mainly for my kids, or what the future holds for us. I want to have the faith that no matter what we are faced with, that God is in control of it. And He will guide me to the right decisions.

GUILT

I am not perfect. I don't always have the right answers, make the right choices, or know how to make it all better. I am left with feelings of guilt sometimes that make me wonder what I "should" have done versus what I "did". And this can lead back to those feelings of regret. It all goes hand in hand when we don't rely on God to see us through. And of that I am guilty. I want to rely on Him.

These four things I give to God. I want to enter 2011 with the heartfelt feeling that God has my back. He has my best interest in mind. And because of this, there is no need to let these things D.R.A.G. me down.

Starting this new year, do you have anything that needs to be given over to God?